everything i say there is supposed to be confidential, right? i've never done something like this so i don't really know.
and if i burst in tears? i'm afraid he/she will think i am stupid or something...
i really hope everything will go well.
another exam gets nearer (i didn't go last tuesday) and i feel like crying once again.
my mom told me to start taking my meds again but i didn't because i feel ashamed every time i take them. now, though, i feel even worse than on last monday and i don't know what to do. i'm afraid she'll come into my room to ask me if eveything is ok because it's not and i want to cry but at the same time i don't want to.
i don't know what to do.
i feel like shit.
ok, every year around september i start doubting my choices.
last year i wanted to switch languages and study french instead of spanish.
now i want to switch degree.
in these days i've been finding hard to study economics, hard to focus on things i just don't like and i've been thinking about that if i had chosen history or art history now i would have been happy.
i don't know why i am studying languages / economics, i don't know why i have chosen this degree and i feel like i don't want to finish university right now.
but at the same time i can't because my parents worked hard to pay a university we can't really afford and i feel like an ungrateful child, someone who just keeps making wrong choices and who does not know how to fix them, after.
i just wish i could disappear right now, while i am silently crying in my bed because i'm afraid someone will hear me. i just wish i could go back in time and tell my past self to just choose history, who cares if economics will give you a job? just choose what you really like! but alas i can't do that and now i am stuck with something i chose but i knew i wouldn't like and i don't know what to do.
i have an exam tomorrow. a french one about something i couldn't care less and thus i didn't study anything. i don't want to study the things i have to study but at the same time i can't fail the exam or my parents will know something is wrong.
i feel like i'm throwing their money in the toilet.
i've recently come up with a crazy idea: i want to move to another country-- no, i want to move to denmark. i said to myself i would get my degree, i would study danish and then move to denmark but i keep thinking about this country i love and i still can't make myself study more. i find myself wishing to be able to buy a ticket to denmark and never come back but the thought i've wasted ~6000€ makes me cry and cry and cry.
i keep crying like a child who doesn!p't know how to fix things, i know, but i can't stop. i cry whenever i'm alon and then i pretend everything is ok but clearly it's not.
i wish i could go to denmark, find a job, repay my parents for everything they've done and just stay there. I feel terrible because i knew we couldn't afford that university but i still insisted to go there and now here i am, thinking about dropping out.
i'm such a terrible daughter.
i don't understand why you always feel the need to talk about your boyfriend whenever we see each other. i mean, it's been a fucking year since we last talked and the first thing coming to your mind is telling me that somebody almost stole your boyfriend's car?
a) i don't know him, i never met him so stop talking about him like i know him
b) i don't fucking care
c) stop thinking that you talking about your boyfriend will get some kind of reaction from me just because i don't have one. i couldn't care less right now, i've other things to think of.
i can't spend all the summer in milan, my body can't. this is not a post about holidays or things like that, this is about plain survival. i can't spend the whole summer here, it's too hot and we don't have aircon and i feel like i'm going crazy.
my body can't sleep, eat or do anything at all. i can't study - i have exams in september - or i can't even watch a movie or something. i feel like my body is slowly becoming less and less strong, i fear that my body is slowly becoming less and less strong.
i can't go on like this. i can't go on not sleeping or not doing anything at all because it's too fucking hot.
i need to get away. i need to go to a place where i can breathe because i feel like i'm going to have another panic attack if i still can't sleep. the only thing my body seems to wanting to do is cry and my mom keeps telling me to stop it because it's stupid, i can't cry just because it's too hot.
apparently, mom, i can.
and i can't stop.
i don't sleep, i can't do anything and i keep crying. my body can't go on like this, it needs to rest and actually work.
i just wish i could my scholarship money to go away, like in the mountain or even outside italy because people can't live like this until october. it's insane, it's just too hot.
and people on tv saying it's finally summer need to stop right now because there are others who don't reacr well to heat. how many old people die every summer just because it's too hot? is that good, eh? and the only thing they say to you is: don't go out when it's too hot.
that's like the whole fucking day, you idiots!
i don't even know what i'm writing; i don't know if it makes sense, if it's english or an unknown language. i feel like i'm about to explode or something like that.
i just want to sleep, ok? is that so impossibile? is that too much to ask? i wish i had the money to go away because i'd leave italy without second thoughts. I was not made for this kind of weather, i don't know my heritage or where i come from, but i know i can't have been made for this. summer looks just unnatural to me, something i could really do without.
and now i have to go drink some water because i've been crying and i'm afraid to be dehydrated. i don't want to fucking die just because of some fucking hot wind from africa, ok? i want to be better than that.